So this morning at the doctor’s office I had to get some blood drawn, and the lab technician (“LT” henceforth) was kind of busy so she and I were just bullshitting while she pottered around and filled out paperwork before stabbing me in the veins and all that. So we were chatting, and I was playing with this awesome teal Lipitor (TM) pen that was sitting by me, and it got me reminiscing about this client I used to teach English to in Mexico City, who was a psychiatrist, and he always had the coolest pens from pharmaceutical companies, that did neat tricks when you clicked the retractable end and such. So I’m admiring the Lipitor (TM) pen and all, and it goes a little something like this:
LT: Yeah, I see you toying with my Lipitor (TM) pen, don’t you steal it! I used to have a really cool Viagra (TM) one that would like flip up when you opened it… [dirty erection gestures…] but I think a patient stole that one.
Me: Nice. I would *never* steal your Lipitor (TM) pen OR your Viagra (TM) pen, even if you still had it! Seriously, though, don’t pharmaceutical companies have the BEST freebie pens? [blah blah tell her about cool free pens I used to get from Mexican psychiatrist yada yada…]
LT: Yeah, they do… in fact, my other job is at a doctor’s office too, so I have TONS of free ones. Here, pick one and you can have it! (But NOT my Lipitor (TM) pen!)
Me: Ha, your Lipitor (TM) is safe from me. Oh, you’re so sweet, you don’t have to give me your pens!
LT: No seriously, I can’t close the drawer anymore, here take one. Oooh, check this one out, it’s another Lipitor (TM) one and it’s cool because it has fake diamonds…
Me: Ooh, Zoloft (TM), this one has a nice heft, but I don’t love the plastic… OOH! I like THIS one! [picks up short silver-bullet-like pen]
LT: Which one? Oh, yeah, that one *is* nice… but not as nice as my teal Lipitor (TM) pen. I can totally part with it, take it.
Me: Seriously, I can’t take your pens, I feel bad, you clearly have just as unhealthy an appreciation for them as I do…
LT: No, really, you have to pick one. What drug is that?
Me: Um… “Zmax (TM)”. What does that do?
LT: So you really like that pen, huh? So maybe I shouldn’t tell you what that drug is for?
Me: Oh crap, now I have to know. What does it do?
LT: I think it’s for treating genital warts.
Me: Dammit! Such a cool-looking pen, what a tease. Guess I better go with the crappy plastic Zoloft (TM) one.
LT: No, that one sucks. Hang on, I might be wrong, I forget if it’s Zmax (TM) or … let’s look it up. [Googles various drugs online…]
Me: I can’t believe you’re Googling the genital warts drug just for me. I feel so special.
LT: Here it is – no, Zmax (TM) is for bacterial infections, like strep throat or something.
Me: Okay, so what’s the genital warts pen then?
LT: I think it’s Zithromax (TM).
Me: So I’ll just leave that pen for the next gal, then?
LT: Sounds like a good idea.