Maybe you saw our freelancers’ holiday party thing pop up in your many chat groups. Great! Here’s what you need to know, probably:
Who is welcome to come to this?
🎨🎸 📹🎭 📟🍡📚👩🏻🍳📽️🚕💐✂️📝💃🏾🧵
Anyone who wants a corporate party and doesn’t have one! Like, anyone you think should count as being outside the usual corporate-job-having class. If no one is sponsoring a work holiday do for your flavour of capitalist survival, consider coming to ours. (On your own dime.)
Okay, realistically, the people organising this are more like freelance photographers or filmmakers or software devs or videographers or or or than, like, Uber drivers. But you do you! If you think it’d be fun to come and you think you fit the “freelancer” category, then turn on up!
But I’m a corporate stooge with a Real Job – can I still come?
💳⚙️📈🖨️📊🕴💹💼💻
Only if you use the company expense account to buy at least one fancy drink for at least one freelancer in attendance. Preferably one of the organisers. Preferably me. Thanks, Boss!
My friend is a corporate stooge, can they come?
🧟🧟♀️👯♂️📣
Only if you make it clear they have to buy a freelancer a drink. (I’m not kidding! People with Private Health Benefits and Pensions have to pay up. If they’re using gen AI to stop hiring freelance artists at their Real Job, they can buy us two drinks, and a snack. Still gotta tip the bartender, too.)
Lest you think I’m being stooge-ist, I used to be one of you, okay? But now I’m one of the broke ones hustling. And organising this whole party! For free! Buy me a damn drink.
So what’s included?
😱🚫✨🫙💡♾️👻🗣️
Fuck all! Well, look, I mean, good great company, feeling festive, dressed fun and looking good, under a warm roof, with a decently large capacity, and an expansive menu of food and drink options. And loos for paying customers!
Look, we researched it a bit, but we freelancers can’t afford a food and beverage min. for some kind of private hire with an unknown total attendance figure, so we’re just rolling with it. Please expect to pay for whatever you might want to consume. We estimate budgeting £45 per person if you plan to eat a bit and drink a bit. Tip your servers/bartenders!!!
How much does this cost?
💸😬☠️⚰🪦💷
Entry is free, but we expect you to shell out around £45 for food/drink for yourself. (Be nice to the venue please; tip your servers/bartenders! They are kindred spirits to the freelancer in our festive late-stage capitalist hellscape.)
You don’t *have* to buy anything (unless you’re a corporate stooge with a Real Job and you decided to come anyway; then you have to buy drinks and snacks for freelancers. The snacks are for lying about it. We can always tell!)
Will there be drugs?
🚓👮🏽💊🚫💉
What the fuck kind of question is that‽ I don’t know! I wouldn’t have the time or budget to do them anyway. Probably the same amount as like, a regular East London bar hang? I guess let me know if you find out the answer. (Still cheeky of you to ask, tho.)
Any cops reading this who decide to attend have to buy 3+ freelancer drinks. I don’t make the rules. (Yeah I do, pay up, you get sweet pensions, you’ll be fine)
What’s the dress code?
💃🏽🕺🏻💄🧜🏻♂️🦄🎅🏿🤷🏼♀️🔥
“Festive,” whatever that means to you! Ugly jumper, sparkles, Santa hat, walking light-up Menorah (plz respect fire code), skimpy thing you’d get gossiped about for wearing (but also make waves with) at a corporate thing – you do you!
I’ll be going with “sparkles but comfy” in case that helps guide you.
Holiday parties suck! Why would I want to come?
🎪🃏🥟🍻🍰🍾👑🍷💋🍶
Don’t, then! 😂 But seriously, we think it might be a bit more fun. After all, it’s not like you have to worry about what your “boss” or “colleagues” will say, right? And no one will give you shit if you just leave.
What “holidays” are we celebrating, then?
🎄🎉🎅🏿🪔🎁🧧🕎🕍🕌🪷🛕✨
I meeeeean, Christmas Plus? In that vague British sense where the church and state are still intertwined but nobody gives a shit most of the year? Solstice, Hanukah, kwanzaa, bodhi day? It’s a bit early for Ramadan/tet/lunar new year and a bit late for Diwali, but like, roll with it. Celebrate anything you like.
We’re mostly just jealous of other people who, despite the horrible parts of having a corporate job, get to enjoy the more pleasant trappings of capitalism, like a paid sit-down meal and drink tickets, with a DJ and maybe a dance floor and atypical outfits for all the little worker bees. Sometimes that shit’s fun, right? Why should we miss out?
We don’t foresee this being particularly religious or holiday based, but you do you. The venue has options that are Halaal/Kosher/vegan/alcohol-free as needed, too.
Is this for single people?
🪢💗🍑🦾🥰🍆🫶🏼🔥
I mean, sure? And also for not-single people. It isn’t about that, but have fun if you end up hooking up with some lovely new exciting freelance tattoo artist etc. (Please come back and tell me about it – you and only you are allowed to break the email rule below! I like knowing when I’ve helped spark a thing. Wouldn’t be the first time.)
But you’ve not hired a venue?
💰🙅🏽♀️📉💸🕳️
Right. Just turn up at Mare Street Market. They’ll be cool.
Really?
👍🏻🫡🔝
Yeah, man, don’t overthink it.
That place is big! How will we even know how to find you there if we come?
👀👯♀️💡✨🪩🔥
Oh, you’ll know.
If you have questions you’re desperate to get answers to that don’t appear on this site, feel free to leave a comment below. Freelancers who find a way to email or text me about such questions will be BANNED FROM THIS EVENT (and all future such events if this goes well).
Kidding, probably, but like, don’t email or text me! ⛔️📧⌛️ I got shit to do, I’m a freelancer too, gotta save that inbox/brain space for making cash money. And other people are probably wondering the same shit you are, so help a fellow freelancer out and make your query public in a comment below. I’m not gonna e-stalk you from your IP address, promise – I wouldn’t have the time anyway. 💸
Happy holidays!