What’s the name of your mother’s father’s favorite pet?

OH MY GOD. I am SO FRUSTRATED with security questions lately! Guess that’s my fault for doing my banking online, but holy crap. This last round, I literally DID NOT KNOW THE ANSWER to any of the available remaining questions for my FIFTH required security thingamabob. So what did I have to do? MAKE UP an answer, and store it in a Notepad file called “Security Questions”, because I will FORGET otherwise and my account will be locked down due to suspected theft. Again. Awesome. Nice and subtle and theft-proof, there.

I mean, I know this topic has been done before, but I’m just not done harping. My favorite is when they put completely subjective questions in there — “What’s your favorite hobby?” Well, jackass, it was stone sculpture back when I opened the account SEVEN MILLION YEARS AGO. Now I prefer World of Warcraft, and no fucking way is that the correct security answer.

Or how about, “What’s your favorite movie?” Um, it was probably The Rocky Horror Picture Show, back before I had taste, and now, it depends if you mean the public answer (Being John Malkovich) or the private one (Finding Nemo). Or whatever film du jour I’ve just seen and fallen in love with, because I AM NOT SO CLOSED-MINDED AS YOU, CHASE FINANCIAL SERVICES. YOU CAN HAVE MULTIPLE FAVORITES, IT’S OKAY. STEP OUTSIDE THE BOX. Or at least customize the box to account for things like middle school and self-censorship around snobby film students.

Or the really memory-taxing ones, that catch you on a technicality — “Where was your first job?” Um, fuck if I know? Does babysitting count, or are we talking real wages, or my first full-time job, or my first lemonade stand, or my first job where I received an actual check instead of cash but does it matter that I was getting paid under the table because I was only fifteen and couldn’t legally work for another year but they needed a Spanish teacher willing to take eight bucks an hour and I was more fluent than the older gals so all the checks had “misc. office supplies” written in the memo field? THAT DOESN’T FIT IN YOUR FORMS EITHER, ASSHAT.

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