Die little birdie

Seriously, I need a shotgun (and, uh, someone to show me how to use it). There are a bunch of little birdies that like to start a’chirpin RIIIIGHT outside my bedroom window a couple of feet from my head every morning once the sun starts thinkin’ about rising, and that, in truth, I could handle. But there is this ONE little birdie whose internal clock is busted, or maybe he’s blind to the sun’s rays or deaf to the other birdies or just not very smart, but this ONE birdie starts his chorus about an hour before the actual sunlight begins. As in, the sky is still dark. And he starts a-chirpin – LOUDER than all the other little birdies. I think he’s somehow CLOSER to me. And so I get truly, deeply, fully woken up by this little birdie around 4:30 am every morning, and after I reluctantly get up and go to the bathroom and take a swig of water and all the other things I am compelled to do once FULLY WOKEN UP, I go back to bed, stuff a pillow over my head to drown the little motherf*cker out, and then lie in bed awake for the next two hours worrying that because my pillow is over my head I won’t be able to hear my alarm, so I wind up giving up and just getting up, not rested in the least bit thanks to this one goddamn bird who feels the need to chirp to a different drum or sunrise or whatever the hell it is that he’s chirping to because it sure as hell isn’t what all the other birds chirp to IN UNISON!

In summary: Other birds, you are cool, soft-spoken, in chorus, and not blind, and I like you.

Dumb bird: I may have to shoot you (or buy a big mean plastic owl to haunt your dreams – let’s see how YOU sleep then, huh, birdie!? That’s right! Sucks, doesn’t it?)

I think I’m going to go whine about it on Craigslist until I feel better. I have been soooooo sleep-deprived ever since Idiot Bird took residence, and it’s making me perma-cranky with a perma-headache. Frickin’ Idiot Bird. Can’t you go roost next door?


  1. Aha… but how do I make Mr. Robin shut up? Do you think one of those big plastic owls would work on a robin? I seriously don’t want to commit avicide or whatever the hell the pompous term for birdie-killing is, but I am going crazy for lack of sleep! What do you do about your loud m’fer?

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