New Fashion Rules

Spring is almost here, and so are some ugly-ass clothes that I’ve been seeing making their debut on some unfortunate fashion victims around my workplace, so I thought it might be high time for some additions to Ginnie’s Fashion Rules.

57. Wedge/platform sandals are UGLY. I don’t care if they are trendy – just because something is “in fashion” does not automatically make it a “good idea”. Go back to the 70’s, Disco Stu. Get some normal heels, or better yet, FLATS!

58. Navy blue is an ugly color that looks bad on pretty much everyone.

59. Referring back to #18, I must reiterate that dark/opaque tights usually look stupid. Go for sheerer unless you have some sort of crazy leg thing that needs to be covered up.

60. No white tights.

61. No faux-fishnet tights.

62. Be careful with black fishnet during the day, and with certain neighborhoods/company/outfits even at night.

63. No brightly colored fishnets, ever.

64. No extra-big-hole fishnets.

65. No fishnets-over-other-tights like everyone wore when I went to Paris. Ugh. (Trust me, just because the French do it doesn’t automatically mean it’s fashionable. I’m no “Freedom Fries” girl, but still – trust me. The French have bad ideas too; they’re human. See #36 for more, and # 46 as well.)

66. Most patterned tights are ugly as hell and make your legs look freakish and wrong, as well as chubbier than usual. Be very careful with patterned tights. Get a second and third opinion from someone who always looks impeccable.

67. Yellow is not everyone’s color. Neither are bright pinks, oranges, greens, blues – for the love of God, find colors that flatter you, rather than just Marc Jacobs’ spring collection.

68. Hearts are for sissies. I can’t stress this one enough since V-Day is on its way. I don’t care if you have a card with a heart on it, but I better not see any lovey-dovey sweaters or I might accidentally start carrying scissors that accidentally slip and cut the thread that binds it all together. Hearts are banned.

69. Please, ladies – get a pedicure, paint your toenails, do whatever it takes to revamp your feet before you go wearing open-toed shoes.

70. And for the LOVE OF GOD, do NOT wear open-toed sandals with SOCKS! I witnessed this at the SuperBowl party I went to. SO illegal. Please don’t subject others to this inconsiderate fashion behavior. See #31 – I realize this is a repeat, but it MUST BE STOPPED.

71. Don’t wear two different shades of denim in one outfit.

72. I’m getting sick of all the fucking *hardware* on everything – jackets, coats, bags, shoes with these bigass buckles/snaps/chains/whatever all over them. We’re not using our purses for S&M, ladies. And if we are, we needn’t carry them around when running other, non-dominatrix-inspired errands. A little metal touch here or there is fine, but I’m tired of being blinded by all that crap. It’s so over.

73. Since wedding season and Easter are both coming soon, let’s get some things clear: pastels only look good on skinny people. Floral patterns are sometimes questionable. April Cornell is not the end of the rainbow. Also, don’t wear white to weddings unless you are getting married. Careful with wearing black to weddings, unless you know it’s okay fashion-wise (i.e. bridesmaids are wearing black too or something). And this one comes from personal experience – it’s a REALLY GOOD IDEA to check and see what color/dress style the bridesmaids are wearing – because at my friend Holly’s wedding I almost wore the exact same dress as them, and I would’ve looked like the Bridesmaid Cast Aside in the audience. Just a tip. Oh yeah, last but not least – Jesus Can’t See You If You Wear A Massive Hat.

74. Please, let the shrug-fest end soon. Shrugs were fun and cute and all, but they look so dated now, and still I see them everywhere. I mean, I own two, one that I’ve never worn and one that I’ve worn maybe twice. But half the women in this office building seem to think it’s Shrug Day, Every Day. News flash: it’s not.

75. I know we all want to celebrate spring and all, but sparkles are not always for daytime. See #9.

76. Fake flowers need to be utilized in moderation. Let’s go with only one piece per outfit – i.e. EITHER a hair clip with a flower appliqué, OR a pair of shoes, OR a purse; but not a combination of those things.

77. Be careful with animal print anything – it usually looks so cheap and tacky unless done EXTREMELY well, and that’s so rare. And while animal print is already a questionable choice, for the LOVE of MOTHER NATURE, don’t go combining animal prints and floral patterns unless you’re frickin’ Tarzan’s bride. And even then, ugh.

That’s all for now – the Self-Appointed Fashion Czar will be back with more probably after she sees something atrocious on her lunch break.


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