Fall Fashion Tips

On our trip to the UK, Grant and I spotted some new fashion trends that ranged from adorable to amusing to abjectly painful. And I know this is waaaay old, given that I should’ve actually posted it back when we returned from the UK in early October… but alas, better late than never. These trends annoyed me so much that I had to continue my previous Bitching About Fashion trend. I’m sure by now the London Ladies are all moving on to feather-boa-trimmed one-shouldered sundresses in anticipation of three weeks of spring, but I still need to get this out of my system, if belatedly.

Now, before my fashion-forward Imaginary Readers start accusing me of being an old fuddy-duddy who hates all things new and trendy, let me state that there were several trends that I found adorable (i.e. smartly belted coats, coats with asymetrical apertures or big funky buttons, funnel-neck or convertible collars, some black patterned tights, jersey bubble skirts…), and there were also some that I found questionable but still cute on the right person (i.e. riding-style boots over skinny jeans, lacy black tights…).

However. There were a few fall fashion trends that I need to go ahead and caution fellow fashion-philes against, for the greater good:

77) Do not, I repeat, DO NOT think that a drop-waisted belted coat will be flattering in any way. When you place a belt at the hip part of a coat, it makes you look like you’re either pregnant or misshapen (or both). It’s not cute, even if it is trendy. It just looks WRONG. Hip-slung belts are fine on jeans or even over the right dress, if that’s your thing. But they do not work with bulky outerwear. Ladies of London, please take note.

78) If you choose to wear boots OVER your jeans, which already looks a bit questionable and ridiculous in most cases, please make sure the jeans are not, in fact, WIDER than the boots. The stuffing-a-turkey look is not flattering when it comes to footwear. Skinny jeans only for this look, please. And if you, like myself, are not flattered by skinny jeans? Please simply skip the skinny-jeans-under-boots look. It’s the same cram concept outlined above, but with slightly different variables — doesn’t mean it looks any better. Let’s not kid ourselves, please.

79) Dogs do not belong in purses, as I have outlined previously. Some of you seem to forget this rule all too quickly. Please do not force me to include Poopsie defecating on your lip gloss in my fashion wishes.

80) When it comes to hoisery, the line between funky and trashy can be very fine. But it’s worth going out of your way not to overstep it. Stop and think — did something similar appear in Pretty Woman? Basic Instinct? Hot Wet XXX Adult Fun, Volumes 1-17? Really, gals. Black lace is GENERALLY best reserved for underwear, though I agree that a few exceptions do exist. Black fishnet is generally best reserved for Halloween, or your night job. Black patterns can be questionable, but if you choose to go with a crazy pattern on your tights, maybe consider holding off on the plaid coat, or the zany floral top, and let the legs be in the spotlight. I mean, you KNOW this trend can’t last, so you might as well soak it up while you can and give your upper half a break.

81) Speaking of plaid trench coats — if your coat looks like it would be better as a kilt, then perhaps your tartan is a bit too, well, tartan. I can’t tell you how painful it was to spend a chunk of time in Scotland, surrounded by touristy shops selling tartans for every lad and lass in the land, and then traveling down to London only to discover that that garish pattern was actually COOL according to some idiot at Chanel. Plaid is almost always ugly, except in a few select circumstances (like Christmas, or Lumberjack Day, or again, Halloween). Plaid with garish black buttons just makes you look like you’re shopping at Talbot’s three decades too early.

82) We’ve discussed crazy legwear in item the eighty-second. Tights are, by and large, an unfortunate means to an end, in that skirts are cute and winters are cold. But please, my dears, take note: You are hereby FORBIDDEN to wear tights under shorts. That’s right, forbidden.

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